I came home. Back to a place I’ve always wanted to escape from but so desperately needed to escape back into. But you are home. You are the home I needed to escape back into. There is no home without you. Even though we see each other more and more, I still feel the sharp pain of anxiety and depression rip through my chest. But when you’re with me, that all disappears. I am calm, I am peaceful. And I am ready to be with you forever, until there is no forever left.
I kiss you and feel the world. I hold you and feel the universe enveloping our bodies. I hold you and I become the universe with you. I touch you and I feel the wild environment of your skin become a land I want to live in. I wear the promise ring I bought you around my neck. It falls perfectly right against my heart. Your closeness comforts me.
I am madly in love. With you, and with the life we can live. I am mad, because I cannot write; my mind is numb and the pain I feel is the pain that cannot be written about. It can only be cut open into skin, it can only be let out by screaming at the top of my lungs. I am mad with the thoughts that plague my mind and become the autonomous movement of my bones and straining muscles. I am mad. And that makes me a most amazing person. That makes me a person ready to love you with my entire maddened mind and my autonomous heart. It makes me ready to handle anything that does not have to do with handling myself and the devastation that I can create by forming words into sentences and then again into paragraphs of good intentions.
I miss you more now that I’m home. And I’ve never been more insecure.