Radical Love

*Trigger Warning: self harm*

It comes in waves, these random bursts of creativity and confidence. This one is here to stay. I look at myself in the mirror and bask in the glory that is my skin, that is me. Holy hell I see myself and I can finally be happy in the skin that I was placed in. The scars and freshly made cuts make up the damaged person I am today. But being damaged is okay, it is a part of healing. We would never know what being okay is if we’ve never been damaged. I’ve avoided myself for too long, and today I confronted myself and found the person I’ve been waiting for on the other side of the mirror. And if you cannot see the damaged beauty that is me, than you have no reason to be with me. The beauty I hold both internal and external will be shared, but only if you share yourself with me. I miss you so much Chuck. If you would only see the person I am now, how far I’ve come from the last time I lied on your bed with you. I wish to be visible to you, to let the rays of my sun shine into you and around us. But if you reject it, then I will light the way into someone else. And it would be no one else’s fault but your own. I am strong and I am mighty, and how powerful I have grown.

My body is touched by the claws of hate. A self hate that was bred in the fires of doubt and disappointment that I saw in other people’s eyes. but for the first time, I saw myself through my own eyes, through eyes that I knew. If only you could see me now, how amazed you would be, how we could fall together into a slumber and wake up together, wrapped around the love and embrace of all the memories we made together, with eyes that saw each other, and saw through each other.

But of course, I love myself, a radical love that can then only be shared by loving someone else. I love you my dearest. I love you, and this radical love I have is the love that shakes the earth and oh how I long to move  mountains with you. Let me show you the way when you finally let someone else in. When you finally know that help is okay, especially from me. I realized that getting help from me and other people is okay. I could stand tall and face the world newly. I am refreshed, I am strong, and I am mighty.

It’s difficult to share the damaged skin I wear. But if I do not learn how to wear it proudly, then how do I expect other people to be proud of me? How do I expect other people to love me when I do not know how to love myself. I finally love myself I am proud of myself. I am ready for you. I am ready to dance with you and have you compliment me for you are whole, and I am damaged and you and I show the world what it’s like to heal and be healed. I am whole, I am strong and I am mighty.

We have radicalized love together. How I hope you see that and how I hope you see me as I am. How I miss you, how I love you, and how radical we are together Chuck. When you are ready, when you see yourself as how I’ve always seen you and loved you, then let me see you, and may you never let me let you go.

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