I went to church this morning. Such a strange concept for me, going to church voluntarily. But I was so happy I went. Sitting on a chair, my father’s 1971 Bible in hand, I was spoken to and spoken through during the service. The topic? Hope.
We live in a world of hopelessness, where we make up our minds before we even know al the options. How I feel so comfortable in my despair, how I have so much hope inside me but no one to share with. I share it with myself and my own despair, and how comfortable and okay that makes me feel. The person I am today, the person that is suffering through this terrible time in my life is not the person I hope to be tomorrow nor the next day nor the next day. I hope for myself but also hope for you. My heart is broken, our relationship is broken but by God I have hope that we can fix it, that we can find some way to fix it. I have hope that we will, I have hope that we will turn out the way we want to. But while I have all this hope, why do I feel as if you have none? Am I holding onto something totally incomprehensible to you? Whatever it may be, the hope I hold is the hope that guides me forward into every possible outcome. I hope for the love we had, for the love we were created to make together.
I was told that we should strive to be the person we were created to be, that we should recreate ourselves not to who we were, but who we should be. I do not want to be the person I was, I don’t want to be that person anymore than I will tomorrow. The person I want to be is the person that found his compliment in you. I found you, and we both knew that this was meant to be. How I wish to go back to that kind of thinking, to go back and talk to each other during all hours of the night, finding comfort in the future we thought together. Oh how I hope for days larger and better than those nights. How I hope again for you and I. How I hope that you hope the same hopes as I. I hope for you.
The hope I have is the hope we once held. I am carrying the weight of hope of two people. I have taken your hope for I am afraid you do not hope the same as I do. How I miss chatting with you at all hours of the day, even if it is just random emojis flooding our screens. We were the embodiment of affection trapped in the 1’s and 0’s of technology. We are lost in there, somewhere in the coding people have worked so hard to create, that we have worked so hard to disrupt because distance was never good enough for the two of us. Oh how I hope to be closer to you than ever before. That no matter the distance we travel apart, the space between us can never be felt. How it divides me today, makes me feel less of a person. I can no longer dwell in the past, feel despair of the past. I have forgiven myself for the deeds committed, and so too have I forgiven you. I will always forgive you, and I hope you do the same for me, no matter how large or small. If I can forgive myself, please forgive me, and know that I will never fall apart again. Without you, I am lost, without us I am a shell of a man. You complimented me because you were the soul, the heart and mind of the operation.
If you too, my love, are lost, let me be the guiding light in the dark. I’ll follow you into the dark dear Chuck. And perhaps, we can be lost together, and hope together for a better way out.