The idea of separation is one which never existed in the vocabulary of my mind’s actions. The idea of growing without me, of becoming a flower all on your own frightens me. I never asked to be the sun which guides your face into my light, only the ground which you have placed your roots. I dread growing alone for I have only ever dreamed of growing alongside your vibrancy.
It did not matter the size of the garden in which we were sprouting from. So long as the ground was deep enough for our roots to reach the center of the Earth, my happiness would be something to share with you.
But while I understand the need to allow you to grow, I am frightened by how you are growing without me. Would this mean you are growing away from me? Growing away from the very thing we once cherished so much? Perhaps it is something to think about always, but while you grow I shall also find the sun.
I was told by my therapist that I’m an introvert, trying much to hard to be an extrovert. This was the previously unknown answer to the question of how I shape myself to fit the needs of other people. Knowing you are growing without me is knowing that I have lost the one person I never had to change for. For you I was the person I always wanted to be, the person I was afraid to show the rest of the world. But in many ways you were my world, perhaps the only world that could support the very idea of me.
Making you be my Ultimate Concern was an act so selfish I fought for you to be with me instead of fighting for me to be with you. I am afraid of being alone in a world that does not quite know me as well as you do. Even after all the afternoons, where we lay naked under the sun beams filtered through the canopy of trees above us, I never realized I was fighting for me and never really asking for you.
I know going back in time is impossible. Even then, I have learned from the very things that were made into weapons during a relationship of purity and love so big it could not occupy the space of existence. So when I started reading more of Paul Tillich, I realized that such a thing makes me feel so small. That the love we shared was that of divine principle. A divine love only reserved for gods had been given to you. I can’t imagine how overwhelming that must have been for you. No wonder being dependent on you was such an issue. I made you responsible for me and I should have shared the responsibility and given you only the best parts of me, for you only gave me the best parts of you. I would cuddle and kiss and love the darkness away, so only the light of you shone the room.
So when I make the five hour trip to a place that suddenly feels so violently unknown, I will be on the look out for lilies, your favorite flower, and imagine the tallest one of them all is you, growing closer to the very person I have always been proud of you for being.